Crabby Office Lady

Crabby has written a book: The Microsoft Crabby Office Lady Tells It Like It Is: Secrets To Surviving Office Life. (Phew! The book isn't nearly as long as the title suggests.)

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The Great American Myth is that the dream of every writer is to publish the Great American Novel, that the ultimate accomplishment of getting on the New York Times best-selling fiction list courses through the hearts and aspirations of writers across the U.S.

I say it's a myth because many (more likely most) writers do not write novels, and perhaps have no desire to do so. Some writers' passions lay in poetry; others pen children's books; some are journalists, working for newspapers, magazines, or other periodicals; and some are technical writers. That last one — Technical Writer — is my job title at Microsoft. Sure, I'm a humor columnist (at least I think of myself that way) and often my readers are a heck of a lot more technical than I am. But Microsoft is, after all, a software company, and the powers-that-be, the ones who think up the job titles here, probably don't consider "Humor Columnist" an appropriate title for an employee of the world's most successful software company. But a title is just a title — it's what you do with your time at work (and in life) that counts, right?

And so, the technical writer better known as the Crabby Office Lady at Microsoft has written a book. No, it's not a novel, and whether it's great or not is entirely subjective — I leave that to each of you to decide.

Why a book?

Since 2002 when I began the column, I've slowly but surely picked up readership. At the end of 2007, almost six million readers had visited the column during that year. While this is a good selling point for an online column, books and Internet content don't match up page-for-page. But throughout the years that I've been writing the Crabby Office Lady column, I've received many e-mail messages and pieces of feedback from you, my loyal readers, asking whether my columns will ever be available in print instead of just on the Web. Frankly, I really didn't have any plans to make that happen. I figured that people could just print the columns from the Web if they wanted to refer to them … and that was that.

But then someone suggested I write a book based on the column and the character — a body of work that goes far beyond the 1,200 words or less that I'm allotted each week. And so, I thought very hard about it, considered what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it … and then just started writing. And before I knew it, I had enough material for a real book.

The idea of writing a book made me really consider and ponder who the Crabby Office Lady is, what her reach is (and could be), and whether what led to her online success could also be a guiding force for her success in print. Would the regular Crabby Office Lady column readers want to shell out their hard-earned cash for a book instead of just reading the free, online, weekly column? I figured I'd just have to see about that, and I was willing to put in the work and take that chance. And, lucky for me (very, very lucky for me), so were my publishers.

After I wrote my proposed outline, I realized that I had a lot more to say than I originally thought, and that I had the opportunity to say much more in a book than I had room for in an online column. So it's my hope — and my belief — that you will see the value of having a printed Crabby Office Lady book in your library. I'm a voracious reader myself — fiction, nonfiction, book reviews, magazines, newspapers, personal essays (David Sedaris is my hero), poetry, whatever — and I do think that this book is something completely different from anything that is already out there. (Hey, my mom says so, too, and I'm sure you know that she is completely objective …)

Why you need a Crabby Office Lady book

While the Crabby Office Lady is represented as a caricature, I am, of course, a real person. I am not — nor have I ever been — a team of writers, a marketing mouthpiece, or — what I believe the general public thinks the majority of Microsoft employees are — a 25-year-old, naturally technically-inclined male (in this case, posing as a middle-aged woman). Let's get this straight: I am also not a crabby middle-aged woman with cat-eye glasses and a swept-up hairdo who has been married (and divorced) three times. I'm a passionate, almost middle-aged woman posing as a cantankerous — yet helpful and humorous — middle-aged woman. I'm loud, I'm honest, and I'm happy to represent Microsoft … in a way that is, well, a bit unusual for a high-tech company. And yes, there is a bit of the Crabby Office Lady in me (or I wouldn't be able to write in the style I do).

OK, so I've been creative — what's in it for you? Well, let's start with me. For me, Crabby provides a certain amount of job security (and a fun — really fun — job, at that), as well as a real way to connect with real people. As for you? You get my best tips and tricks for how to make the most of Office products, and you also get advice from someone who understands what it's like to spend all day every day in a workplace, one that may or may not be situated in your dream location. You get a break from the regular help topics and assistance articles (that are useful when you need immediate assistance). You get real-world scenarios, useful ideas, and perhaps, if I've done my job, a chuckle here and there.

What's in this book

This book's title says it all. It's about surviving life in the office. It's about dealing with difficult people when you need to collaborate with them; it's about understanding what all those computing terms mean; it covers getting a handle on your e-mailing tasks (and manners); and it's about how to prepare to go on vacation and not have all that post-trip bliss washed away your first hour back.

I don't believe that being helpful and being humorous are mutually exclusive. I also don't believe that you can — or even should — separate your work-self from your home-self. Donning circulation-constricting garments like pantyhose and ties (while these items are rare on the main Microsoft campus, I know that they exist) doesn't — or at least shouldn't — stop the blood flow to your funny bone. (If it does, go up a size.) What I'm trying to say is, if you enjoy editorial cartoons and funny pages along with your front-page headlines, then this book is right up your alley. If it's all business today, and you just want straight news without the sharp insights and clever asides (and some people don't, you know), you'll find help topics and other types of Microsoft Office Online content that will take care of you.

This book is about how to survive — and thrive — in the office using Microsoft Office, one of the (if not the) most widely used productivity software products in the business sector. I try to show you the way with real-life examples, humor, and natural language. I don't really get a lot from books that use terms that I have to constantly look up in the computer dictionary, and I didn't want to write a book that made my readers have to do that either.

What's not in this book

My book is not a "how-to" book. There are many of those books out there written by people much smarter and more eloquent at deciphering code and documenting procedures than I am. While I may offer a procedure or two to get my point across, my goal for this book is to give you the bigger picture about how to make the most of your time while you're at work. And while I do work for Microsoft and my specialty is Microsoft Office products, this book goes above and beyond just Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Outlook, and the other Office programs that you use every day.

For example, I will not walk you through how to set up rules in Outlook, how to transpose Excel columns to rows, or even how to insert video into your PowerPoint presentations. What I will do is tell you when and why to do that stuff and then ferry you away to more information that will walk you through those processes.

Who this book is for

When I was approached about a Crabby Office Lady book, one of the biggest challenges was to figure out whom the audience would be — who was going to read this book? I came up with many different scenarios regarding who might want to have this book on hand:

• Managers welcoming new employees on the job  This book is helpful and yet entertaining (or should be, anyway); it gives insight into office life as well as links to how to get help with the tools used in most offices: Microsoft Office programs.
• Mom and Dad  You've finally gotten your folks (or grandfolks) online — they're sending e-mail messages, attaching photos of their zinnias, and (God love 'em) passing off every joke, rumor, and chain letter that comes their way. This book is a gentle way of introducing them to the basic rules and regulations of e-mail, to computer terms, and to setting up their Office programs so that they're not starting their computing life with frustration and aggravation (and calling you every 15 minutes to solve their problems).
• You  Everyone needs a break during the daily humdrum of life in the office, and one more visit to the kitchen for some really old coffee is just not doing it for you. And going online to look at sports scores, or the stock market's performance, or to do a little shopping might be against company policy (not to mention visiting Web sites that you have no business visiting while at work … or possibly ever). I hope that this book can give you a laugh or two and ease some of your boredom, while at the same time teach you some tips and tricks about how to use Microsoft Office and make the most of your daily work.

So … have I convinced you to buy my book? If so, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It just may be the first technical book that you read from start to finish…

The Microsoft Crabby Office Lady Tells It Like It Is: Secrets to Surviving Office Life is available at any online book retailer or you can order it from your local bookstore.

"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money." — Molière

About the author

Annik Stahl, the Crabby Office Lady columnist, takes all of your complaints, compliments, and knee-jerk reactions to heart. Therefore, she graciously asks that you let her know whether this column was useful to you — or not — by entering your feedback using the Was this information helpful? tool below. And remember: If you don't vote, you can't complain.

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